You are good

There’s a time in which you can look back at your life and feel you can finally take a deep breath. Life is somewhat relaxed and at peace and you have grown in wisdom that you can’t even really put your finger on.

As I’ve thought about the last two years of my life, there has been extreme pain and sadness right in the midst of some of the most indescribable joy I’ve ever experienced. And I’m just now finally processing and absorbing some of that. Go figure, I’ve just recently re-read Bittersweet so my fingers are finding their way back to the keyboard.

With that, I’m going to do what people today just aren’t known for doing.  I’m going to start blogging more consistently. That’s right. Just like my friends Annie and Sophie said last week, “who blogs anymore?” Ha–it’s true. I don’t even read blogs like I used to. I listen to podcasts and scroll Instagram and that has replaced reading blogs. There are a few people and voices that make it to my inbox weekly, but with the passing of Google Reader went the passing of my eyes to most of the blogs I used to frequent.

So here I am intending on blogging regularly. Even if no one reads it. And that’s kinda the point. There are things that have come to the surface over the past few weeks and I can’t deny it any longer.  I’m being pulled to share my story. If for nothing else, as part of my own healing journey.

Most of you who might venture to actually read these words know most of my journey. If you happen to be new around these parts, welcome.  This may or may not make sense, but I know this is the next step to allow for continued healing and growth. And my prayer above all else is that this would point you to the one who can make all things new–Jesus.

And with that….

It’s coming up on two years ago that I was newly pregnant  and leading worship fairly consistently at our church’s downtown campus. I’d been leading worship for years at another campus and been singing most of my life, but I was having some growing pains in this new community.  It was the normal stuff–nothing major, just adjusting.  Adjusting to the worship leader. The campus pastor. Being in a traditional church venue. Becoming more pliable if you will.

So when I was asked to lead this new song, “King of My Heart”, there were lots of feelings.

Side note–I re-took my MBTI this past year for work for those of you who are familiar with that. I was literally as strong a “feeler” as one could be.  Carry on…

I was just out of the first trimester and just honestly didn’t know how I could physically sing such a song that demanded so much of me vocally. Beyond that, this was right in the midst of when my mom had been hospitalized. More feelings. Little did I know she would never leave that hospital alive. Little did I know still two years later that song would be my anthem.

I remember tentatively accepting the request to lead and listening to the words over and over and over. I pulled out a blank journal gifted to me by a friend and wrote and wrote and wrote the lyrics out. As a visual learner, I needed to not just read the words but see them, feel the ink pour them out to truly absorb them. Tears fell to the pages as I let the words penetrate my sad, confused and scared heart. Being a caregiver for an ailing parent is always tough for anyone. Being the sole person making decisions, being far away from family and being pregnant? Oh, and did I mention a feeler? Yeeaaaah. Lots of emotions happening.

When the night is holding on to me, God is holding on.

Still to this day, I cannot sing that line without completely tearing up and being overcome with emotion.

Little did I know that I was about to walk into one of the most challenging seasons of my life. My mom’s death, the car accident that lead to our daughter being born 9 weeks prematurely and her 58 day NICU stay. were ahead of me.  I won’t lie-it wasn’t easy. I certainly felt as if the night was hold on and was not about to let go.

But God’s hold on me was stronger.

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