I have this friend who is pulling between these two people they wish to be. Internally, there is this one person who is upbeat, positive, driven, motivated, determined, helpful, selfless and caring. This is the friend we all strive to be and all wish to be around. She’s the first person you call to celebrate good news with and the person who would drop everything to be with you in a time of crisis. The person who would drive an hour to bring you medicine if you needed it and the one who can hold you in the midst of your frustration and tears and you know you don’t have to say a word–she understands.
Unfortunately, there is also this plague — the disease of self that haunts all of us from time to time. She really truly wishes to be this OTHER person, but fights daily with it’s nemesis. The person who is Debbie-downer, looking for something or someone to blame her issues on, at times passive-aggressive, and has issues with negative self-talk that if not controlled can drive a person mad. This is the girl that thinks of her own schedule and needs before others, second guesses motives and is ultimately living out of fear. Fear of what could be. Fear of what would happen if control was released. Fear of the unknown.
I’ve been wanting desperately to help my friend figure out how to let the “good guy” win in the situation. To let fear die. In watching one of my favorite shows this week, a new perspective on the situation came to light. I saw this struggle played out within my favorite team–epitomizing this dualistic relationship perfectly. At some point, these two are unable to exist pleasantly within a team–within a person. One will dominate. One will dominate or drive the other person to a point of absolute frustration–right to their breaking point.
So, this friend of mine with the two inner-struggles? It’s me. Some days the struggle isn’t so bad. Seeing it played out on TV was just a vivid reminder that it is a daily tug-of-war. I’m praying for the right one to win out in my own life. And that it will be the Tara in me.